listening to: thursday - "understanding in a car crash"
currently: full of egg-flour soup
subject: he who loves you will follow you


I deleted the last post because I never had any intentions of leaving it there. The message got delivered and it isn't necessary anymore.

I just got back from dinner with my family, and once again I got an important message (actually two stuck together) in my fortune cookie. I still am not sure what the one I got on my birthday meant but these are a bit more self-explanitory:

~ "A period of solitude will replenish your emotional resources"~

~"Treat yourself more like a friend"~

I'm not one to put too much stock in to horoscopes or anything like this. I just think it was interesting, definitely true.

Life is funny like that.

*****
Staring at the setting sun,
no reason to come back again.
The twilight world in blue and white,
the needle and the damage done.
I don't want to feel this way forever
a dead letter marked return to sender.
*****

listening to: jimmy eat world - "splash, turn, and twist"
currently: *so close to dying that I finally can start living*
subject: mixtape in my mind

About a month ago, I recieved a letter telling me that I'd lost my merit scholarship because of my GPA (2.69 - ouch.). I pretty much knew it was coming and knew that I could get it back after fall quarter if I got back up to a 3.0. Still, I was a little upset, thinking "there goes $5500...as if I don't already have a hard time paying for school..." But - turns out that just added $5500 to my need and I got a new offer relfecting that. So now, without my scholarship, my aid package is exactly the same (if not a few dollars more) with bigger grants. What?! Makes me think there's no point in busting my ass, if it's not going to make a difference...When I do get the scholarship back, it's goodbye to those grants. That irritates me because as I stand now, my aid leaves me about $9000 short. Even if I kept the grants and I got the scholarship back, I'd still have to come up with $3,500. So pretty much, I deserve those grants either way and now I have to decide if it's worth the effort of getting a 4.0. Ugh, school! Ugh, money!

Speaking of hating my school...I found a weblog dedicated to pointing out all the corruption and hypocrisy among SPU's administration. It's awesome.

The Benton County Fair began yesterday. This is the first year that my feeling towards it is that I wouldn't be caught dead there. Partially because it seems even cheesier and 'small town-ish' than ever now that I've gotten a taste of the city and partially because I don't want to pay for it, but mostly because I don't want to 'see and be seen,' which, in correlation to the small town factor, is the main point of attending. Boo that.

Every so often it crosses my mind to call him but then I wonder what would be the point. To 'hang out'? And do what? Sit around and talk. Or see other people, and then sit around and talk. Talk about what? There's no way to catch up on the past year in the next three weeks. And I don't think I would even want to. We used to be very good friends but that was a long time ago and we're not the same people anymore. There isn't really a friendship to be had anymore. But I don't think that's why I think to call. I think I just want to hook up with him. If we're not going to be friends, and I've wanted it to happen for six years now....But that's not a good idea so it's best that I don't call, I suppose. I'll email after he leaves and pretend that oops - time got away from me and I wasn't thinking about it everyday. Then we can keep in touch or not and yeah, whatever. Haha. I like how I snuck something juicy into the end of a long, boring post. It's all good. I've been thinking much about my 'non-interest interest' at school lately, anyway. Pffftt.
.
*****
You give it a name and then that's how it stays.
*****

listening to: the get up kids - "action and action"
currently: indifferent
subject: the mess is in the details

So, I think the JTT thing may have been a hoax, perhaps started by the man himself in an attempt to cancel out his less-than-stellar career(What?! I'll Be Home For Christmas was a winner!). Oh well.

Speaking of dead to me...no, nevermind.

...I can tell who signs my guestbook.

Today's imperatives: eyebrows, laundry, mail credit card app and leadership conference RSVP, call Bobby. Fun times.

*****

listening to: taking back sunday - "you know how I do"
currently: taking stock
subject: it's about time


*Don't pat yourself on the back because you broke mine - you're still just one measly straw* - me

My sister got to pick out the dinner menu Friday because she had a picky friend over, so of course there wasn't really anything healthy. I got really frustrated that I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat. Everyone was trying to be helpful but nothing was making me happy. It became quite evident that this wasn't about dinner. People bending over backwards to please me while I just refuse to be anything but mad/sad/upset is a common scene that has been played out in large and small scale over and over for a long time.

A little later in the evening, my mom started getting frustrated with me because there was still no pleasing me. It started becoming argument but I was far too emotionally weak to fight back. I finally said, "Where is this conversation going?? What are you trying to say?" She said, "I'm worried about you." I understood that her anger was just her own exasperation that she couldn't help me. I'm feeling pretty exasperated myself...

My mom and I have touched on this a couple of times this summer, like once when she jokingly asked why I was so bitter and I very seriously responded, "I don't know. How long have I been like this?" She said since puberty so I said, "Hmm, well maybe I'll outgrow it. I doubt it, though." Up until now, I had convinced myself that this constant funk I live in, taking out my sadness on others, was just how I am and how I am always going to be. Forever unpleasant and unhappy.

So back to our latest conversation...I said "I'm sorry...", in a manner that really said "What should I be sorry for? I can't help this." Then I said, "...but it's not like this is a new development. This is how I am - how I've been for a year or two or three...or ten."

She asked me when I was going to change that. Hmm. It had never very seriously crossed my mind that I could change it...

So I went in my room for the rest of the night and really thought about that. I don't like the way people see me - or how I see myself - as such a negative person. The people closest to me are able to understand - up to a point - that it isn't personal and it's more about me than them but, that doesn't mean it's okay. I don't want to feel like this anymore, so I need to figure out why exactly I do.

I've heard people in the church say that depression is some sign of weakness because "Joy is a fruit of the spirit," and therefore your spiritual life alone should be able to fix it. I agree with that pov to some extent and readily admit that I certainly have been lacking in that dept. and depression or no depression - that's something to be changed. But I also think that sometimes it can't be helped, sometimes it's bigger than that. My mom's stance is that I am a perfectionist and my life is far from perfect right now but that this cloud will be lifted when I get back to school and start down the road to marriage, career, etc. This may also be partially true but, it still may be more than that...

So I'll give myself until I get back to school to get my personal and spiritual life back in order to see how I'm feeling. But I suspect something will still feel not quite right, because something always has. I really believe my attitude and dispostion really needs some outside help, whether it's just learned behavior (some kind of defense mechanism...?) that can be unlearned with help, or whether I need a different kind of help...

I will get happy, dammit!


*****
So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
Willing and ready to prove the worst
of everything you said about me.
So obviously desperate,
so desperately obvious.
So good at setting bad examples.
Listen, I've had all I can handle.
*****

*Long-Ass Survey*
And then I'm not posting for a while - until I have something to say - because this will take a long time to read.


ten current favorite songs:
10. The Pale - "Wake-Up Call"
09. Death Cab for Cutie - "For What Reason"
08. Alkaline Trio - "Nose Over Tail"
07. Bright Eyes - "Haligh, Haligh, A Lie"
06. Jimmy Eat World - "No Sensitivity"
05. Brandston - "With Friends Like These..."
04. Kind of Like Spitting - "On the Subject of Her New Gold Star"
03. Dismemberment Plan - "Gyroscope"
02. Twothirtyeight - "I'd Never Do That"
01. Brand New - "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot"

nine all-time favorite movies:
09. The Bad Seed
08. American History X
07. Sixteen Candles
06. Music From Another Room
05. Rebel Without a Cause
04. Like Water For Chocolate
03. Monsoon Wedding
02. Keeping the Faith
01. Empire Records

eight bands you've seen live: only eight?!
08. All-American Rejects
07. Taking Back Sunday
06. Modest Mouse
05. The Juliana Theory
04. Further Seems Forever
03. Ok Go
02. Death Cab for Cutie
01. Bright Eyes

seven current favorite CDs:
07. Jason Mraz - "Waiting for My Rocket to Come"
06. Cursive - "The Ugly Organ"
05. Liz Phair - "s/t"
04. Lifesavas - "Spirit in Stone"
03. The Red-Hot Valentines - "Summer Fling"
02. The Postal Service - "Give Up"
01. Brand New - "Deja Entendu"

six favorite TV shows
06. Trading Spaces
05. Felicity
04. Jackass
03. Food 911
02. That 70's Show
01. The Wonder Years

five hottest celebrities
05. Ethan Embry
04. Jesse Bradford
03. Jude Law
02. Jeremy Piven
01. Johnny Knoxville

four things you absolutely can't live without:
04. Food
03. Music
02. Friends and Family
01. God


three favorite beverages:
03. Water
02. Grape Juice
01. Chai

two of your favorite books:
02. The Cider House Rules
01. The Bible

one thing you never leave the house without:
01 clothes

DESCRIBE YOUR...
[ x ] Wallet - old lady-ish
[ x ] Hairbrush - small and pink
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily - none
[ x ] Pillow cover - usually striped, but currently in the laundry
[ x ] Blanket - gray vellux
[ x ] Coffee cup - I have many. My favorite is yellow and basic
[ x ] Sunglasses - none, I always lose them
[ x ] Favorite Underwear - charcoal/fuschia DKNY thong
[ x ] Favorite shirt - not exactly sure..it's probably boob-ish, though

[ x ] Cologne/Perfume- Cool Water
[ x ] CD in stereo right now Relient K "The Anatomy of the Tongue in Cheek"
[ x ] Tattoos - none. ever.
[ x ] Piercings - used to have eyebrow, now just one in each ear
[ x ] What you are wearing now - black camisole, grey sweatpants
[ x ] In my mouth - my teeth
[ x ] Wishing - I had money
[ x ] After this - I'll take a shower



[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - M...
[ x ] The last thing you ate - blueberries
[ x ] Something that you are afraid of - being alone
[ x ] Do you like candles - sure
[ x ] Do you like incense - not really
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood - no
[ x ] Do you believe in love - yes
[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - absolutely
[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - no
[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - yes
[ x ] Do you believe in God - yes
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - doesn't matter
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy - myself
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - chinchilla
[ x ] What is the longest you've ever stayed up? 42 hours
[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - yes
[ x ] What's your favorite coin - dimes



number ...
x. of states you have lived in? 3
x. of drugs you've taken illegally? 1 (unless you count alcohol...then 2)
x. of people you would classify as true, could-trust-with-your-life type friends? I don't know
x. of people you consider your enemies? hmm...
x. cd's that you own? 100ish (not counting burned albums or mixes)
x. of things in your past that you regret? a few

Have you ever...
[ Gotten a speeding ticket?] I'd have to have driven first
[ DUI? ] ditto
[ Been in a wreck? ] no
[ Been arrested? ] no
[ Been in a fist fight? ] no
[ Kicked someone in the nuts? ] yes
[ Stolen a car? ] no
[ Stolen anything? ] no
[ Held a gun? ] no
[ Smoked? ] no
[ Pot? ] yes
[ Crack? ] no
[ Drink? ] yes
[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ] not quite
[ Considered being a hooker? ] I am pretty poor....
[ Been married? ] no
[ Cried over a girl? ] no
[ Cried over a boy? ] yes
[ Lied to someone? ] yes
[ Been in love? ] not sure
[ Had sex outdoors? ] ...no
[ Fallen for your best friend? ] No
[ Made out with JUST a friend? ] um...
[ Been rejected? ] yes
[ Been in lust? ] yes
[ Used someone? ] yes
[ Been used? ] yes
[ Been cheated on? ] no
[ Been kissed? ] yes
[ Experimented with homosexuality? ] no
[ Tried to kill yourself? ] no

Preferences..
Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla.
Pen or pencil: Pen.
Cold or hot weather: Definitely hot.
Cold or hot food: Cold.
Sweet or sour: Sour.
Salt or sugar: Sugar.
Dark or light: Dark.
Dogs or cats: Cats
Markers or crayons: Crayons
Board games or video games: Board Games
McDonalds or Burger King: neither but BK over McDonald's
Starburst or Skittles: Skittles

listening to: further seems forever - "I am"
currently: complacent
subject: ...start getting real

The latest season of The Real World has crushed my hopes of ever being on the show - the chances are too slim that they would ever have two people with not only the same name but the exact same personality. I'm not going to explain it but, watch last night's episode where Leah's brother comes to visit and you will basically be watching a blonde, New York version of me. It's weird, I guess it's good that I can admit that we're alike and I can still really like her, despite her faults...if I she totally bugged me and I were in denial that she was exactly like me, that wouldn't be quite as healthy.

So, I'll never be on the show, but I think I have figured out the title of my dream job - the one that picks the music to play during the show. Music Coordinator. How does one become a music coordinator? what does it pay? I do not know. But I know the name of it, and that is a step in the right direction. Right...

There's a couple things I'm finding really funny but, I'm not going to talk about them because of the new 'nothing personal' rule I have established.

In other news...I have no news. As you were.

*****
i am the water
i am waves crashing on to you
i am the blank wave
i am the madness
the loss the dark the hunt the cage the race

i am forever
i could be never
if thats what you want
****

listening to: lifesavas - "life"
currently: warm. very warm.
subject: you have no idea

So my trip was good. Mostly a lot of relaxing, with a few hours of sweatily pounding the pavement (even then, I can't complain about going into every record store/coffee shop/thrift store around PSU, Burnside, and 23rd...mmm). Good times. Nothing terribly exciting to report...we talked to an owner of an Italian restaurant/member of the mafia who was fanning a stack of c-notes with his heavily-ringed fingers as he spoke. I guess that was cool.

I was supposed to babysit this morning but when I got there, the kids' dad had a fever and a head-to-toe rash. So, I don't have to work this week. You'd think that would be a good thing, since I hate doing it but really, it's something to do. Once September rolls around it will be all shopping and packing and whatnot but until then...it's boredom as far as the eye can see. We're discussing a road trip through CA (san fransisco, fresno, san diego) to help with that. We shall see; I want to do it but it may not work out.

Haks called while I was up there. I was excited about that because I didn't have his new number so hadn't been able to get in touch with him. We may hang out tonight. Also, I spoke to Sarah before I left so I need to call her. Filling up my days....counting down.

Wow, this was really boring. It's hard not talking about how I feel. I'll try to start being more observant of day-to-day life so I'll have poignant things to talk about.


*****
Moment to moment
I'm growing into who I've always really known I was supposed to be...
I knew it all
I'm simply remembering what insecurity has come to block away
*****

OKay, I in fact couldn't sleep. I have to take back the Ghandi thing just long enough for this because I've had this song waiting in my arsenal since things started going down and now is the time...I've gotta do it and then I'll be back to my higher plane.



I remember I kept thinking
that I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
like only a best friend could


Don't apologize
I hope you choke and die
Search your self for something which to hang yourself
They say you need to pray
if you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
when your whole life has gone to Hell

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to..
and I can't let you let me down again

So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say "best friends" means friends forever

~"Seventy Times Seven"
gotta love Brand New....

Ok, NOW I can sleep.

listening to: eve six - "showerhead" (wow, haven't dug this album out in years)
currently: a tad upset
subject: makes an ass of u and me

Am I going to have to add the disclaimer that this is for and about LEAH?! Selfish? Yeah, perhaps. But therefore by definition nothing here is unimportant because if I feel it or I think it, it's worth saying here. It isn't about you, or you, or you. And it certainly isn't for you or you. If you have come here, by chance or on purpose, that's cool - Read. Enjoy. Welcome to my heart. But it isn't yours to judge, k? It's mine.

I've been through quite the rollercoaster the past couple months and lately I've been feeling a little victimized but now, screw that. My first thought was to tear up but I quickly realized that hasn't been getting me anywhere and I am perhaps too strong for that now, so I ditched that idea. Then I thought about stooping and saying all the things that I've been holding back, if we're going "gloves off" and there's apparently nothing to try to spare. But then, no...screw that too. Instead I finally opted on the Ghandi route of passivity(wow, second Ghandi reference in two days...). It's not worth doing anything but turning the other cheek. That's Ghandi too but someone way cooler said it first...word up.

Phew. There. Can I sleep now? Let's give it a try.


*****
Cheap shot hocked straight to the eardrum
Is it some sick sign of affection?
Violated and singed with deceit
Disgust from my head to my hands to my feet
Your face it gives foul taste
Whether smiling crying or denying, I see your motives
and you're charged with fraud by me
So take the hint and leave
*****

listening to: the thermals - "an endless supply"
currently: *wishing that I could take back all those words that meant nothing*
subject: I always liked Pacey, anyway

I wonder what all this must look like to observers, to people who know us both. What can they see that we're blind to? Why do we continue to behave like we're scripting some teen-angst drama?

At least music is still good to me...The New Amsterdams are releasing a new album, and touring. This equals supreme excitement. Also, "A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar" has a release date (8.12.03!!!), The Starting Line is releasing an EP in Aug, Travis Morrison of Dismemberment plan is doing a solo project, and Death Cab's putting out new material in October; As much as I was enjoying Ben Gibbard's side projects...this, I think, is going to be amazing.

I'm gone for the weekend. I get to go see Meredith and meet up with Martin. Oh, do I ever need this! I'll be doing the Bumbershoot promotion stuff as well as BEING HAPPY, which ought to be nice. I'll be back Sunday evening, probably with some good travel stories.

That reminds me...I think I'm going to try only writing about tangible, observable things here for a while. Toast and trips and books and the weather. Because anything involving my inner workings - my thoughts, fears, dreams, loves, and tears seem to not be okay. OKay, I'll be bland. I won't feel a thing, if that will make this more interesting...or at least more PC.


*****
there's no need to relearn the rules
and if you get stuck you can throw them the fuck out
*****

listening to: bright eyes - "the city has sex"
currently: just fine, thanks
subject: being the change you want to see

Quite a long time ago I wrote a post about looking for love in places I'm never going to find it while disregarding those who already do love me. I promised then that I would soon get my act together but, it seems that I hadn't. I remain guilty of this. So again I apologize and again I offer up the fact that I've been doing far too much soul-searching lately and I think I have my priorities back in order for the time being.

I only have to work on Thursday this week so I'm making all kinds of plans to catch up on my sleep and see Shirley and a couple other people I haven't seen enough of. I also need to get this Bumbershoot stuff coordinated, so I think I will go to Portland for the weekend. *Mers - if you read this before I call you, I'm coming on the train Thursday or Friday...whatcha doing this week???*

On another note, my dad's friend gave him a 22 pound salmon the other day and he has a new smoker. Fish makes me want to vomit but you can just imagine the bumbling excitement that has ensued for him.

I can't wait until September!

You are a dumbass. Let me cry for you. Wait...no.



*****
Well, I’ve cried
And you would think I'd feel better for it
But the sadness just sleeps
And it stays in my spine
For the rest of my life

And I’ve learned
And you’d think
I’d be something more now
But it just goes to show
It is not what you know
It's what you were thinking at the time

*****

music: brandston - "things look brighter"
currently: thankful it's friday
subject: the girl who blocked her own shot


So, I have given this summer well over a month (how can you say it sucks when it hasn't even started??) and have concluded that - yes, everything I feared about this summer has happened. But, perhaps there was no need to fear those things because this summer doesn't suck. It's hard and it hurts but, it has been so incredibly good for me. I can literally feel myself becoming a better person.

That sounds so trite but it's true. Things have fallen apart around me, I've lost a lot of allies, and I'm learning to find strength from within myself and from much more powerful sources. I've looked honestly at my faults and know how to change them. I've given careful consideration to my future with no ties to my past holding me back. I'm ready to be me.

*And just so you guys know...I'm feeling like the odd-man out so don't expect me to be the one who calls. If that means I miss something important (a certain day...), I'm gonna feel bad, but not a whole lot worse than I do right now so...step up to the plate.


*****
she doesn't want to be dead in the water,
yet she swims out to sea

she knows about suffering
and all about sorrow
she's starving for the beautiful things
that people seem to believe in

brave hearted girl
goes out to take on the world
but comes home crying every time
we're walking in the rain
she turns to me to say
I hope tomorrow doesn't feel this way
*****

listening to: sugarcult - "lost in you"
currently:several things at once
subject: ...only those I did not do


I don't know where to start here...every time I begin typing something I think "no, no...that's boring" and erase it. Well, boring is all I've got right now so I guess I'll have to go with that.

We spoke today (I never called...). I managed to sound completely normal. and I didn't ask what I didn't want to know (cryptic? what?!) It's amazing how it still has the power to make my stomach tighten and my hands shake. I'm quite sure this isn't a resurge of last summer's...whatever. I just figure that after all these years, the butterflies are here to stay and all I can do is just try to never be drunk around him again. And maybe we'll hang out sometime in the next five weeks, and maybe we won't. Maybe we won't see/speak for the next few years and maybe we will. I'm fine with "wait and see" and "go with the flow" because it isn't going to make or break me anymore.

Yesterday I ordered a shirt that says "I liked BRAND NEW before you could wipe your own ass." It's only available to the street team and while I wasn't in on the ground floor (mainly b/c they're an east coast band...) I do know that they are going to hit it big and I'm going to be proud but extremely annoyed because I was at least listening to them before anyone I know.

And while I'm talking about Brand New...I'd like to point out that they're finally touring out here and they will be in Portland tomorrow night (technically tonight). Am I going? no. Am I pissed? Hell yes. Even if I'd had someone to go with (I seriously need some friends with fucking cooler music taste, or who will at least have blind faith in mine)...I have to "work" Friday morning so no point in being upset I suppose. So I missed Dashboard (2x) and I missed Brand New...I shall take comfort in the fact that I have at least seen Bright Eyes and Death Cab (2x), rounding out my favorite bands. *sigh*


OOPS! Shit, I was just feeling around on the desk for an earring and I hit the volume on my speakers WAY up....sorry parents. haha.

On a final note...Bravenet redid their site and now my counter is retarded and won't tell me anything and I'm way pissed and I can't find another stats site that has everything I want and is easy to use. arrrgh! Mmmk, that's it. Good night and thanks to Rhett for thinking of me with the hamsters, or whatever.

*****
Six days went by
Trying to forget your face
It was you and I
We were to young for these games

And all the pictures that I kept
And all the things I should have said
It was you and I...But mostly me

Six weeks went by
Still pretending that I'm fine
It was you and I
Holding back what's on our minds

And all the things I should have said
And all the letters left unsent
It was you and I...But mostly me

Six years went by...
I almost forgot your face
'Til they played that song.
the one we used to hate.

*****

listening to: modest mouse - "Whenever I Breathe Out, You Breathe In"
currently: confused
subject: why is it we keep going


Something is terribly, terribly wrong and I don't know what it is just yet. The beginning
(or perhaps the middle or end) of the end is here. Cut ties, sides taken, secrets revealed, lies told, promises broken, let-down upon let-down, fingers pointed and no one ever fucking calls. Everything and everyone is screwed up and it feels like my fault.

I have to go to the doctor for this cough I've had for months b/c my mom is worried I have a lung infection or something. Um...no? And what happens when the doctor asks me if I've been smoking? "I've never had a cigarette in my life" "That doesn't answer my question" "uh...could you repeat the question?" D'oh.

No one reads this anymore.


*****
I didn't go to work for a month
I didn't leave my bed for eight days straight
I haven't hung out with anyone
And if I did, I'd have nothing to say
*****

listening to: joni mitchell - "the same situation"
currently: wired
subject: solid effort by all

I must say I had fun tonight. It's all about the attitude...I was trying to enjoy myself rather than being moody/bitchy/complain-y. I've decided (and I must say that it took me far too long to decide this...) that there's really no sense in not making the best out of every minute possible because life is short and my youth is even shorter.

I know this sounds so simple and obvious but it really isn't easy for me. Happiness doesn't seem to come naturally. So for starters, I'm trying to simply smile everytime I think of it. I tend to not smile at people who I'm neutral about, resulting in furthering of my image as a total bitch so tonight I made the effort to just be a little more cheery to Jessica's friends, Jenny, etc. It really wasn't as difficult as I seemed to think. Back to smiling - it's a good starting point because even if my dispostion hasn't changed yet, maybe smiling will fool me into thinking I'm a happy person. Couldn't hurt, right?

In other news...I am so starved for affection right now. A hook-up isn't going to cut it; I want someone to hug. And sadly, I don't just want someone...I know exactly who I want and I don't think I'm going to settle for anything else. *Sigh* And since as much as I say "we're so getting married," it's not going to happen b/c he's very much not interested. So, do the math on that one: I will remain loveless until I can get over it, which I don't see happening anytime soon because there's still a little piece of me that says "wait and see what happens in September." Right.....


*****
I sent up my prayer:
'Send me somebody
Who's strong and somewhat sincere'
I called out to be released,
Caught in my struggle for higher achievements
And my search for love
That don't seem to cease
*****

listening to: fiona apple - "never is a promise"
currently: bored out of my mind
subject: on having my cake and eating it too

So the journal I've been working on has served its purpose. I finally got the answer to what exactly I'm so upset about put into words. When I put in on the page, I couldn't believe I'd just written that. I was quite taken aback. It's what I suspected, and what I had been kind of circling around for a while. But to see it there in black and white...it is the most rotten, selfish thing I've ever said. I am told that most women do this to people and while I believe it, I don't think it makes me any more justified, I think it just proves that girls are wretched. Okay, I think I'm making it sound EVIL, like I'm plotting someone's death or something. It's not that bad, it's just spoiled and a bit manipulative and I don't like seeing that in myself.

I guess we're going to Portland tomorrow morning, I'm kind of wondering what the actual purpose of the trip is...That's never stopped me from getting out of town before but, if it's just to see Bobby's new apartment, I can't say I'm too pumped to go. But then we'll stop by to see Martin in Molalla and then go out to Nick's farm party. I'll probably say we're staying with Martin and will be back Saturday, just so I don't have to deal with disapproving looks/lectures from the parental units.

*****
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention...to you
You'll say you understand; you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how
or why I don't know what to believe in;
you don't know who I am
You'll say I'll need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
*****

listening to: death cab for cutie - "pictures in an exhibition"
currently: unsure of anything
subject: they don't love you half as much

I feel like I talk about the same things here everyday - friendships are strained, life is boring, blah blah blah. There's more to me than this place or these people. I need to get my own crap going on. It's time to start starting a life.

On another note, I wonder if I have a distinctive scent - something someone who knows me could smell and say "that smells like Leah." I'm guessing it's not my perfume, since I really don't put in the effort to put it on everyday. But I wonder if there's some combination of my shampoo, deodorant, laundry soap, or lotion that is pretty much always on me and if so, how do people react to it. This train of thought came about because I am extremely sensitive to smells (definitely why I hated my first roommate so much and part of my insanely strong hate of poo). Everytime someone sits on my bed, they manage to get their smell all up in it, which is always kind of weird the next time I go to bed.

I had another KSPU-ish dream last night...much the same thing happened (the one who dislikes me was all over me...) And my thought in the dream was, "well, this isn't really the one I want but could I date him just to get over to their house and make it happen with the one I do want?" How wretched of me. But I guess since I would never even get the chance to use someone like that in real life, it's okay to dream about it.

In other randomness...I'm starting to get restless with this page. I want to change the description, add more links, maybe change the color? When, if ever, will I get around to this? Who knows.


*****
Think you caught me on the downslide, downturn...
and all your plastic people with plastic hearts and smiles
they had the worst intentions all along
*****